The Deliciously True Tale of Barbecue Tofu

I co-wrote and performed a skit with a charming young lady named Katy. By popular request, here is the script.

Katy (NARRATOR) – The year is 2019. Things are not all that different than they were 10 years ago. The television reporters seem pretty confident that the Detroit car makers just need a few more months of support, and then they’ll get things turned around. Commander Obama’s food rations have been very generous this year. The chocolate quota alone is up almost three percent over this time last year.

Justin, age six, needs to raise money for his over expenditure of carbon credits at recess last week. He exhaled an estimated three pounds of carbon dioxide on the Nancy Pelosi Elementary jungle gym alone, according to his bio-feedback implant. This is where our tale of a young San Francisco native’s transformation to individualism from divisive collectivism begins.

Here we see Justin, who thinks he has a foolproof plan.

Justin – I know what I’ll do; Bobby is always talking about how big his allowance is. He doesn’t even spend it all, I hear. He’s one of those greedy savers. I’m just going to go over there and kick him in the leg until he gives me some too. It’s no fair that he has more than me.

Katy (NARRATOR) – Justin gets his way. He had to kick his old friend Bobby three times until Bobby surrendered his lunch money. But in the attack, little Bobby dropped and destroyed his Chuck Norris hologram action figure. And now the other kids are worried that they may be next victim.


Justin (SITTING DOWN) – That was not too bad. I’m able to buy some more carbon credits, but now no one wants to play with me. I just don’t get it.

Katy (STANDING NEXT TO JUSTIN) – Do you know why no one wants to play with you any more? It’s because they are afraid you will start kicking them and take their lunch money or break their things.

Justin – Hey, don’t I recognize you? You’re the leader of that opposition group that’s talking about “individual rights.” Well, what about society. Who’s going to protect the minority?

Katy – Well, the smallest minority is the individual. Now, if you want your friends back, you’ll have to apologize and replace the broken action figure.

Justin – You’re right. My mom always says it’s bad to hit people. It’s still not fair that that they have more than me. I know what I’ll do. I’ll form a democracy, so that everyone can get what they want. And I can raise enough money for a Chuck Norris action figure and everyone will be treated the same. Why didn’t I think of this before?

Katy – Oh, boy!


Katy (NARRATOR) – Over the next few days, Justin organizes the school playground by promising the fourth graders that they won’t have to worry about the third graders taking all swing sets and teeter totters. Almost all the third graders, except those promised leadership positions in the new government, turned against the idea.

A slight majority of the playground supported the motion, and the dawn of a new democracy began. But not long after, some unintended problems came to be realized.

Justin (TALKING TO KATY) – I never knew how expensive this new democracy would be. We’ve already had to raise the jungle gym tolls twice this week. Almost all the money we’ve raised has been to pay officials’ salaries or to fund the military against the third grader’s militia attacks. Worse yet, I’ve got almost no money left for the Chuck Norris hologram action figure. We actually owe the fifth grade middle schoolers two day’s worth of debt.

Katy – If you really want to raise those funds, then you need to provide a product that people value.

Justin – All six of my non-vegan friends tells me that my mom makes the best turkey sandwiches. I know what I’ll do. She wouldn’t mind make a few more sandwiches each morning.

Katy – Now, Justin, this is your debt, not you mom’s.

Justin – I guess.


Katy (NARRATOR) – The next day, Justin brings six freshly made turkey sandwiches that exactly followed his mom’s recipe. He sells them all in a flash, raising a good sum of money. However, others in the new government see Justin’s good fortunes as an opportunity to exploit.

Justin (NEXT TO KATY) – This is just great. I woke up an hour early this morning to make those sandwiches and the playground is taxing half of my income. Since the grocery store that our vice president’s mom owns won a no-bid contract to be the exclusive food supplier, my supplies costs are going to double. Oh, what’s the point? I’ll never raise the money fast enough with these costs.

Katy – You know, Justin. You’ve got to give the people a reason to resist. What are they missing out on? If you can provide that, you’ll be in the homestretch.


Katy (NARRATOR) – Justin spent all day pondering this question, and then suddenly like a bolt of lightening, it hit him. He has his answer. He can abolish the government sanctions, raise enough money for the new Chuck Norris hologram action figure, and then get his old friends back again.

Justin (NEXT TO KATY) – Look what I have here. I call it barbecue tofu. Since almost of the school’s parents make their kids eat vegetarian meals, the students crave the taste of meat. What’s the next best option? Meet flavored tofu. With some help from my mom, I created this tofu that has all the taste of barbecue and none of the meat. So almost everyone is happy. That grocery store does not sell barbecue, so I told all my customers that if they did not protect my rights to purchase my supplies where I needed, then I couldn’t serve them these great meals any longer.

Best of all, I’ve convinced the third and fourth graders that we don’t need all this bureaucracy to tell us what to do. The only one benefiting is the bureaucracy itself. We’ve got to stand up for our rights, and not let our neighbors be taken advantage of, because we could be next.

The End